One of the biggest things I have struggled with as I have been actively trying to lose weight is correcting my thinking. I always used to think of myself as some kind of failed perfectionist. I had a need in me for everything to be perfect. You would never know though because as soon as one thing fell out of place my life around me would come tumbling down. It wouldn’t even have to be a big deal.
For instance I would blitz my life. My flat, my cupboard at work and my car would all be spotless and I would be eating healthily. Should my car start to get messy – I would start to care less, eat take-aways, stop looking after myself so well. Like there was some sort of shame in my living when all it would have taken in the beginning would be to clear up that mess and not make it worse by making life harder. It was like I was constantly looking for an excuse to feel awful because actually starting to feel good about myself was risky – I had to be vulnerable and could easily fall.
I soon realised it was about finding some kind of middle ground. It sounds so simple that just because my car is messy it doesn’t mean I have to let everything go…slowly I got it… Charlotte needed to be in the middle..
I still have that – in the back of my head. But over the last few months I really feel I have witnessed so much kindness. I’ve learnt that if you trust people and give just a tiny bit of yourself to the people in your life you get so much back. I am full in a way now that I never knew to be possible unless I was half way through chomping down a Double Whopper meal from Burger King.
To the people in my life: you are amazing and you will probably never really know how much you have done for me. You have helped me save my own life and I am grateful for that every day…