So… I have struggled with being alone.
When I was living with people at University – it rarely worked out. Mainly because I think I was such a different person when I got home. When I got home I just wanted to be on my own. I wasn’t really the enthusiastic little puppy dog that I made myself out to be and in fact to be that way was draining. I was also very secretive. I would sneak food up to my room and eat in some ritualistic way – “this must be gone in 1 hour” “I can’t have anything left” – so many rules and regulations surrounded my eating. Writing this now is making my heart beat because looking back on it I didn’t realise how out of control things were. There would be food containers all over the floor – which I now know to be about another barrier to letting people close – keeping me safe. I would do anything to avoid the people I lived with – seeking solitude and refuge in the food.
I have taken a long journey of what I suppose you might call ‘self-discovery’ since then and understand my triggers etc. What I am slightly left with, however, is the void of being alone. Weirdly I notice that when I’m alone life seems to stop. I am so used to filling my alone time with food that I need to re-learn how to just ‘be’. That is where I am a little bit stuck now.
I can manage when I fill my time with seeing friends, going to choir – but what do I do when I’m alone? For someone who has always filled that gap with food – being alone is pretty uncomfortable. The only problem is that the alternative is pretty uncomfortable too.
I know that the answer is to become OK with being alone. To do things just for me that include no other people and to feel good and comfortable with that. This is what I am going to work on.