Today I want to talk about self-sabotage. It’s the one thing that drives me INSANE!
So….I eat healthily….everything is going well. The food I am eating is delicious and plentiful and feeding my body and my soul – I feel on top of the world. Great! I feel like I can keep this up until the day I die…then….
Something changes… something I am yet to discover and I begin to sabotage everything I have worked so hard for. I play the realities in my head. “think of how awful you will feel”… “think how amazing you will feel if you keep eating healthily”… and the biggest one – “It’s ONLY food!!! It doesn’t need to have this hold on you!”.
Throughout all the therapy I have had I have come to learn that thinking this way is actually about me ‘needing’ something. So instead of binging on food to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings I should think ‘what do I need?’ or I should sit with the feelings to see what they are…
In honour of this – I am going to attempt to write down how I feel (although it may lead to a swift speed dial to Tiger Lounge)
- It is my birthday on Sunday – I have arranged to see friends for Saturday and I feel like I am putting pressure on myself to ‘be’ a certain way. I am not sure how it will pan out and I hate the unknown – I like to believe that I live within an air of spontaneity whereas the truth is – I like to know the lay of the land!
- My flat is messy! This is stressing me out because of number 1!!!
- I haven’t done a food shop because of number 2 and so I really need to suck it up and do number 2!!!
- I am leaving school and indeed teaching. I am leaving a ready made community and structure in my life – I have to trust in myself that I can make it work – but I feel let down by myself so much.
- The weather is HOT! I am always so aware of my weight in this weather. Yes I have lost nearly 4 stone but I still feel the heat. I feel less good about my body and the way I look.
It drives me mad because I KNOW I feel better when I eat well…. This has to be the marker. The ‘start again’… and actually I have come to realise it doesn’t matter how many ‘start agains’ I have – as long as I don’t stop.