Gorging myself on food does not make me at all happy and indeed after pretty much 30 years of doing so I am aware of the outcomes and they are never good. Luckily the need is becoming less as I start to see the results of a healthy diet and exercise, but sometimes the need is too great – as it has been today.
I did not have a good day yesterday – my car spent the day at Kwik Fit and I am £150 poorer but I know that it is not the end of the world. So far today, however, I have eaten 1 bag of Wispa Bites, 1 Bag of Rowntrees Squishees, 1 bag of Beef Hula Hoops, 1 tube of Pringles, a big breakfast triple decker sandwich and 1 bag of wine gums and it is not yet 9a.m – pretty good going yes? I would not usually write exactly what I have eaten because the shame of it is too great, however, it is important to confront this.
I am blogging today because I wanted to talk about the difference in the person I am before I start eating versus the person I am at the end.
- I feel as though I am going crazy.
- I want to do this negative thing. Because the aim of the game is clearly self-sabotaging
- Thinking about ‘How I will feel when the food is gone’ doesn’t help – in fact – I WANT the outcome to be that! I WANT to feel crap and rubbish.
- I find it hard to make the feeling leave – it’s like adrenaline starts to pump through my body.
- I feel like a hyper-active child – I can’t think clearly and want to welcome calm.
- My mind plays tricks on me – telling me to just have it and then get on with my day.
- Now comes the shame.
- I feel calmer though.
- I get the feeling that I have ruined everything I have worked so hard for.
- I feel physically sick and unwell
- I want to sleep
- I find it hard to forgive myself.
- I feel like hiding away – I don’t want to see anyone for fear that they can physically see what I have done and the irony is eventually they can…
- My life feels dramatic.
The trouble with feeling like 2 seperate people (Pre-binge Charlotte and Post-binge Charlotte) is that before I start I have little or no interest in the Charlotte at the end. No interest in her thoughts or feelings. Or I do – but I want her to feel awful and I know just how to make it happen. How do I stop that?
On the positive side – binges like these occur far more rarely than they once did so I am obviously seeing less of that girl obsessed with making myself feel bad. The thought of constantly living my life again in such an up and down state makes me feel physically exhausted.
I don’t want this for myself. Loving myself and nurturing myself is so much easier. Hard to do in one way, but an easier way to live.
Come on Charlotte – sort it out…