Today did not go well… there was no rhyme or reason for that… I have had the best week of my life – so I needed sabotage… Let’s start with Saturday.
I had worked so hard and it culminated in me being able to complete my first 5K – The Colour Run… and it was the MOST fun! The sense of achievement was huge and epic and I must not forget that… it honestly felt better than any binge and lasted the entire weekend.
I went to Zuleika’s (my personal trainer) HiiT session in Hove Park and burnt even more calories! I WAS ON FIRE! – Feeling strong – feeling epic – feeling like a warrior!
Monday was another HUGE day in my life. I started my MA in Play Therapy. I got the train to Roehampton and began… There was a great deal of anxiety before hand. Have I done the right thing? Should I have left teaching?…. but when I got there! AMAZING!!! The BEST thing… and it is exciting and crazy and new and all of those things rolled into one… I was feeling on fire..
Personal training day and Zuleika took me for a jog down to the Seafront (to wave at the sea) and back again…. I couldn’t jog the whole way… but I definitely was faster and more determined than I have ever been before!!! YES!!!
That brings me to today…Thursday:
I don’t know what happened…well I do….after the business of the past 3 days and feeling full with exercise and doing what I loved I suddenly found myself empty and lacking….my own company is still not enough… I have to deal with this need for other people to be around in order for me to be able to function and exist…
It lead to my first binge in ages… and YES I am going to write what I ate because I need this out of my body… the shameful secret needs to leave me…
1 x hamburger happy meal (minus the chips which I gave to soon-to-be Obese Seagulls in an end-of-binge rage)
1 x quarter pounder meal
1 x Diet coke (yes DIET! I’m watching my weight you know!)
1 x tube of pringles
1 x bar (large) of Dairy milk
This was consumed in the space of 1/2 an hour and then I felt truly unwell…
So now I feel ashamed. But the shame is different this time… I don’t want to berate myself – I feel ashamed that I treated myself so badly today – that I didn’t feed and nourish my body as I should have done.
There is a slight sense of victory though… I went to Gospel Choir and I feel better…
I do need to deal with being alone… I don’t function alone…