The process is as important as the goal…

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This is my local park. The black line is how far I managed to get round it this morning without stopping with Zuleika. She reminded me that when I first tried that jog I could only manage 5 seconds and needed lots of time to recover. This time We chatted and there were moments I pretty much forgot we were jogging. I was so proud when we finished that I shed a little tear…

To me, this was more than just a run… it was a moment…a moment where I really took stock of daily graft. I think for ages I got stuck thinking that the road ahead of me seemed too long to begin. I wanted success but I wanted it quickly. However the success of today’s run felt so much more sweet as I know I have been working so hard for it. I am feeling stronger every day and I can’t imagine how different life would have been had I made different choices over the past year… I own my choice.

When I was at my biggest I was ‘locked in’. I was having counselling every week to cope with the disabling feelings I was having about myself. But try as I did to talk, I was silenced. Silenced by the shame of what I was doing to myself. This secret, that at home seemed so shut away, yet became so blindingly obvious to the outside world because of my size.

Because of the crippling silence I felt – I would draw and paint. I have thought very carefully about sharing some of these -not least because I am not a good drawer…. but the feelings had to come out some way. I feel that they are dark…

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I can’t tell you how life has changed… I still have bad days and I think the mentality of eating for me will always be a weakness but that black mass in the pit of my stomach has gone – partly because I choose positivity now…

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I feel full.

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