This has been on my mind a lot over the past few weeks. Change is hard work and almost never follows a smooth, uninterrupted path… I have been finding this particularly hard of late for a variety of reasons.
- Uni – We have been studying Human Growth at Uni as part of my MA – but this stuff is weirdly exposing and makes you question how you came to be where you are…and why you are…it’s brilliant and weird all in one. I have to have therapy as part of the course and in her words “Your challenge is going to be a level of congruence with yourself”… She is right… there is so much work still left to do.
- My mental processes are as much as a result of physical conditioning of the brain than mental – A great example of a connection I have made is that every time my parents go on holiday I am suddenly aware of my existence, alone in the country and therefore I eat because that is the tool I use. Its almost automatic… I ordered a pizza yesterday – the very day they left. I knew it was what I needed – I am not going to say I couldn’t stop it… because I know there is always a choice….but it certainly felt that way. Even after I had ordered it I thought that I should just take it in my car, find a homeless person and give it away… but I didn’t.
- Exercise is bringing up emotions… I love exercise but it is physically exposing. There are times I don’t want to do things because I cannot hide. I think I have spent a long time trying to hide me – hide my body – this is a new way to be… but I have to deal with the emotions I have been hiding now and that is hard.
- I can’t deny the things I want anymore – I want a relationship, I want children, I want connection on a deeper level and my issues with food are just a sheild to all of those things – they keep me safe…and as much I have dealt with lots of my issues with eating, I am left using it in a way that I KNOW is negative… I so want to love me now and I really do – but I really am not there yet…. one day I hope.
- I need to accept that this is a process – I can’t just decide to change and tomorrow wake up the person I want to be… and I understand that is because it is the process that is important.
- Friendships – … I am exposed here, caught between my closest friends who don’t see me as much and are finding it hard that my thoughts and feelings are changing between each time I see them and trying to stay true to the path I am forging for myself. I am trying to build new relationships with other people who share my interests and ambitions… I am trying to hold onto the friends I hold so dear but I am changing… I have to remember that although my path is changing, they do not know what I am thinking/feeling – I have to keep talking to them and keep showing up.
What I do know is that in 2 years time I am going to be a very different person… Welcome on board!