So it’s near the end of January – at the beginning of January I started a package that my personal trainer put together for me which basically consists of following a really hearty meal plan for the month of January and some exercises…. I remember jogging with her at the beginning of Jan and saying “What? You mean NO takeaways for a whole month? I could NEVER do that!!!” Yet she challenged me – she gave me a ‘no excuses’ ultimatum when I said “It wont be the end of the world if I mess it up though will it?” to which she replied “It wont be the end of the world, but all that stuff is in your system again and you will have to work harder to not want it more the next time”. With a huff and a puff I reluctantly agreed and now it’s the 28th January and not a packet of crisps, chocolate bar or takeaway has passed these sacred lips! I can’t believe it…. I really can’t … I choose health – I choose not to let my addiction beat me because that’s exactly what it is…
Also in January I began with a new therapist. Being in therapy is a requirement of my course and I had been struggling to find someone who fits. What is emerging though is that i’m not very good at taking care of me…. not in a ‘I’m so selfless’ kind of way, but in a ‘I can’t even bear to notice myself’ kind of way.
I think, for me, a great deal of my weight gain was as a barrier…. while i’m overweight I don’t have to care, I don’t have to think about finding love, I don’t have to engage fully with life and deal with it’s never-ending spinning cycle… I could numb. To me, having lost weight means I am vulnerable every day. I am putting myself out there and giving myself challenges that contain a certain amount of emotional risk… but what I have learnt is that when you set yourself these challenges and you beat them? That is a feeling better than any takeaway could ever give me… that makes it all worth it. Today see’s me having completed my 4th Park Run…. running 5k each week is now just becoming part of the weekend routine and that blows.my.mind.
As you well know, the 14th February is Valentines Day… I know it’s an American festival and all that blah but it doesn’t stop shops being stocked high and low with goods, red love hearts, meal ideas for you and your significant other. I don’t know how much I have shared about past relationships and the truth is? I’ve never really had someone special in my life. There I said it. Each year on Valentines Day, I have used it as a chance to berate myself that I am unlovable. That no-one could ever love me. Well I can see that this may not be true now. I have held up such mental and physical barriers to love that I made myself unlovable. And you know that quote about loving yourself before someone else can love me? Well I was awful at that – and still am to some degree.
This Valentines Day, I am going to treat myself. I am going to order a little gift just for me, get it gift wrapped and sent to my door. I am going to buy myself some flowers, light some candles and cook myself a nice meal before spending time in a hot bath. I am going to indulge in some beauty treatments in the day and then get my hair cut and coloured. Special, sacred time just with me because I do deserve to treat myself well. I do deserve to have a life worth living. That is my promise to me.
So, I challenge you… If you are not great at self-care, or are just alone this V.Day, treat yourself. YOU deserve to… YOU are worthy of living your life in the best way you possibly can….