Forgive me if my thoughts are all over the place today – I have lots of things swimming around in my head and that is when I write – but today I’m not sure the words will flow like normal.
From the age of about 8 or 9 I developed a relationship with food and when I went to Secondary School that relationship became obsessive. I wasn’t happy and on the whole, other children were horrible. I had put on weight and chopped my hair off. For the first time I experienced people hating me because of how I looked and I could feel myself physically fold inwards. Food was my friend and I developed a relationship with it. I became obsessed. Life was about getting through the day to be alone and have my fix. Food always treated me with love in my mind and that pattern continued for the next 28 years in various different guises with food. I’ve tried it all… food has been my saviour, my enemy, my best friend and my hater.
So here I am, finally making a change…. Finally I feel as though food doesn’t have that hold on me … but I have been thinking about that euphoria that being obsessed with food brings. Is that something my brain needs and can it re-train not to need addiction and obsession?
Obviously I am worlds happier – but there is still a hole to fill where food once was. That is why I write. What do people do with their day if food is not at the centre of it? I am loving the exercise but very aware I compare myself and my natural instinct is to compete and compare with others – I need to be OK with my journey without fixating on being the worst/best. Perhaps I am looking for that euphoric fix again…. I don’t know….. I’m just splurging out ideas here.
For so long life has been about extremes for me and I think that’s why I wobble every now and again. BUT I just have to remember this is about self-worth and self-respect. I cannot get that by being in constant competition with others nor can I by making myself deliberately the worst to please others. I just have to be me…