That buzz word- ‘weight’. For most of my life weight has been a massive part of my every day vocabulary – usually with the word ‘lose’ in front of it and coming as a direction from various people and diet clubs. I have been really conscious this time around not to weigh myself so much. My personal trainer is amazing for that because she doesn’t focus on weight at all and would in fact be disappointed if I weighed myself a lot. However I am also very aware that there is a huge amount of shame wrapped up in the number that I see on the scales and truth be told it still holds so much power for me. When I saw my counsellor years ago, she was aware that my weight was ‘unspeakable’ to me and on many occasions asked me to say it out loud. I couldn’t. I am often silenced by shame. The shame of what I chose to become.
So… (this is not easy) I have been thinking for a week that I should just write on here what my weight is. If this really is about ‘doing things differently’ – I should just tell you all! I know for a fact this will be no big deal to all of you – but this holds such power within me. Making this decision is hard as I know that once I have done this and put it out there in a vulnerable way, the first thing I will want to do is be on speed dial to Domino’s. BUT that is all part of the challenge. I am ready. I am ready for weight to no longer dominate my everyday living.
Starting weight: 24 stone 5 lbs
Weight now: 17 stone 5lbs
Urgh – that made me feel sick… I know none of you will care but this is a BIG deal – this needs to be out of my system – I don’t want to feel shame anymore. I don’t want to be burdened by quite literally the ‘Weight of Living’…
Life has changed. There are still so many things that are unspeakable inside of me, but hopefully over time I can cleanse myself of them… I just want it all gone so I can live the happy, positive life I know I am capable of.
Once again a massive thank you to ALL of the people that are supporting me.. I have such a solid support network around me now and will be forever grateful – because that’s what has helped me to help myself. You have all had your part to play in saving my life.