This week, my theme has sort of been self love and as the title lovingly stolen from Madonna suggests, sometimes you have to test that. It is not always easy. At some moments this week I have managed it and some I have not.
One of the tests is that I have changed – and it must be weird for my friends. You can’t just change your outer shell and expect your ‘inners’ to remain that same and I really have changed. In my mind I am truly becoming who I was meant to be, but I realise to some, that is too much change so it is inevitable that I will lose some friends along the way. I am not blaming. I am the one who decided to change the rules, not them, and sometimes it’s just how it needs to be. What I have to try not to do, however, is blame me. There is NO blame. These kind of things happening do not quantify who I am as a person and talking to other people who have had this happen through a big life change has really helped. It’s kinda been a double whammy with the change involved in taking on a therapy degree also. I’m not going to, as I have in the past, beg for friendship. I am going to love myself enough to know that if needed I can stand alone with my own thoughts, feelings and objectives. My friends do so much for me and I am so thankful for that, but the difference now is that I hold the resources I need to live life…
Another test is thinking about my body. As I lose weight my body hopefully is also toning, however I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to achieve perfection. My body is somewhat damaged from the abuse I have inflicted on it for years. That is to some degree irreversible, and rather than loathe that, I must learn to try to love it.
Yet another test was when I finally ordered a Domino’s… I still can’t say it without cringing. I was so disappointed in myself and when I reached out to people they were all lovely telling me that a little of what you fancy once in a while is fine and I do agree I do. It’s the intent with which I do it that I don’t agree with. Yesterday I went for a lovely long walk with friends along the seafront and had a piece of cake – I didn’t feel guilty then. It felt like a treat and I was with company… When I am at home, alone, feeling feelings I don’t want to feel and I order Pizza because I think that will make them go away, then I feel that is dangerous and could so easily set me back on a pathway to self-destruction…. but I forgave myself. It was what I felt I needed, and the next day, I didn’t decided to not eat anything (which is what I would do), I ate nice, healthy, whole foods and had a lovely bath – I soon felt ready to continue this journey again…
Lastly, I found out I failed my first essay at Uni….This was a hard one. I really want to be a play therapist, I can see the value in it, I feel like I understand. I am not academic. And this essay was hard. I felt that old familiar friend shame creep in and before it had a chance to silence me….I told my friends, told the people at uni, told my Mum… if I had let that infect me, this week could have been so different…. So I didn’t let it…I managed to separate it off from defining me as a person. It was just an essay that felt hard and I need some help…. so it is beginning to feel OK now.
Some of the positives to come out of this week, however were: Going into Next and having my pick of all of the clothes on offer!!!! I was like a kid in a sweet shop!!! I felt a bit giddy and chose about 8 things to buy before realising that I didn’t really like them all, I was just excited that they fit me! So I was very good and just bought one thing!
Also my day of ‘self-love’ on V.Day was spectacular! I received my card and present, had my hair and make up done and it generally felt like a really special day just with me!!! I spent much of the day alone, with purpose, enjoying me and it felt kind of good!!! I fully recommend it!
Something, I think, that has really shifted in me, is that my self-regard does not need to change. Sh&t happens, but that sh&t doesn’t define me as a person. That sh&t will happen no matter how good or bad a person I am. But if you believe in yourself at your very core, and you feel happy with the rules and boundaries you have made for life, you can cope. I never had that and now it is coming…..and that’s rather exciting.
To quote Wicked (because this blog isn’t cheesy enough):