I have been pressing the self destruct button (or the ‘f*ck-it button’) for about 2 weeks now but just as it often does, I feel as though I’ve reached the turning point.
The game, however, is not without risk. There was once that time that I didn’t come back and the binges continued until I was very unwell.
I have been trying to bring that into my awareness – desperately trying to put the message into my brain that I can’t choose ‘illness’ again… why would I do that? But I have been numbing. I know when I have had enough – when I have mentally had enough, when I have eaten enough shitty food, when I have become fed up with my negativity and it is enough tonight.
Enough enough enough.
So what now?
- Now I am going to fight not to feel guilty about what has gone before. I am going to try to get rid of the feelings of anger and loathing that I have been turning inwards and eating them over the last few days. I know that is unhelpful.
- I am going to work hard to really ‘feel’ emotions that are inside my body rather than suppress them. Sadness, anger, guilt, jealousy, the unknown etc. are all important things that I should be able to feel. I can’t but I must try.
- I am going to think how I left the main road for a bit to look at the scenery and indulge in some extremes without thinking about looking after me, however I’m on my way back to the main road and i’m still a really long way along that road. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll be jogging back on that road.