The Oxford English Dictionary defines addiction as:
“The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity.”
I am addicted to food. I don’t want to be but I am. I know it because I use it instead of ‘feeling’. Somewhere along the line I learnt not to feel. I am not just another person on a diet, food is my drug.
I have been dealing with it by having a little of what I fancy here and there because ‘if you completely restrict yourself then you’ll just crave it more’. Would you say that to someone addicted to crack?
Maybe the answer is complete withdrawal from the drug (Chocolate,crisps, foods with sugar…etc! I wont stop eating!!!) that soothes me… because, like an alcoholic, I have no ‘off switch’. Maybe I have been approaching this as a ‘diet’ when maybe I need to approach my issues with food as ‘addiction’.
I have been chatting more with friends recently and they have helped me to realise that I numb. I numb who I am. If you asked some of my old friends to tell you who I am I don’t think they could tell you – and there is no blame there. I was happy in that exchange because while it was never about me it was safe.
The problem with changing is that I need it to be more about me now. I need value and respect. That is new and weird to me.
I am so lacking in awareness in so many parts of my life. I had no idea until talking to the people who really challenge me that I am so numb in relationships. My only rule used to be that if you like me, you’re a friend. I had no say. How strange not to have known this.
I read an article about Trauma the other day by Van der kolk and there were 2 quotes that really struck me:
“social support is not the same as merely being in the presence of others. The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart.”
“In The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (public library), he explores “the extreme disconnection from the body that so many people with histories of trauma experience”
I am not saying I have experienced some kind of awful trauma – but there are things that happen to us along the way that teach us a way of being. I was bullied mentally at secondary school. I hated every second and each day was hell – at a time in my life when I was making decisions about who I was as a person… it crippled me.
I am disconnected. I deal with it using my drug, my addiction – food.
So I’m going to finish with a plea, if you are ever with me and I ‘choose’ to not eat chocolate or crisps, please never use the phrase “One wont hurt” “But it’s my birthday” “You can get back on it tomorrow”. Please respect me enough to know that one will absolutely hurt…
Love you all for your support. X