I feel like an awful human being. I am posting this to make sure it’s conscious. I need to fully engage in what I have done. Believe me my temptation is to retreat when I feel like this. It makes me feel sick to write about it… not because of who might read it but because the very nature of writing it down causes me to confront it.
I have been given the perfect chance to be healthy this week. My Personal Trainer has gone on holiday and I am looking after her dog. I am living at her house and she has cooked all of my meals for me …every one and all my snacks. When I arrived at her house I cried at the amount of effort that had gone in to making it easy for me to be healthy. I cried because that showed love towards me and a belief in me that I don’t even hold for myself. No excuses. There are horrible things happening in the world and people losing their life – waking up each day healthy should be something I hold dear and feel an immense amount of gratitude for. I am selfish.
When am I going to wake up and realise that my health, today, right now, matters? I have been gifted the perfect opportunity and I have disrespected it totally over the last couple of days. If I knew me right now, I would be pissed off. I don’t want this blog to seem self-piteous but right now? I’m pretty disgusted at my behaviour around food.
I swing from thinking that this is obviously an illness that I have little control over to thinking that is just a big fat excuse and I have to accept responsibility…
Sometimes this feels bigger than me….. like I just can’t do it. And everytime I throw it back in the faces of the people who help I am aware that I lose a little more self-respect.
Tonight I feel like I couldn’t be any more angry at me…
BUT! As you lovely lot often tell me. Tomorrow is a new day! Each new day is an opportunity for a new beginning. And we just can’t give up now, right?