I’ve sat with the window of this draft open for about an hour knowing that I want to write but not knowing what to say. I have been quite absent from my blog recently and partly that is due, as it always is, to me questioning why I do this. Why I lay myself bare for everyone to see. Once it’s out there it’s darn near impossible to take back and I have always claimed there is therapy in that for me. This one is going to seem quite dark too. My heads in a bit of a spin.
I haven’t written and now I feel like I want to and I can’t find the words as so often happens with me. Which is, I’m sure, where a great deal of my issues with food come from. Today was therapy day and I didn’t have the words. I paid £40 to sit for an hour in silence because my mouth was paralysed.
I had the most lovely birthday weekend surrounded by love and people showing me, almost teaching me, what it means to be a friend and respect and care for someone. Then I come back to this. This flat that I love when it is tidy and respectable however that doesn’t seem to be something I can gift to myself at the moment.
The problem is not the people I surround myself with – they are wonderful – the problem is me. And the problem is when you feel so intrinsically disconnected it becomes impossible to cope. Impossible to hold these things within yourself. One friendship wobble, one thing that rocks the boat during the course of a day and it becomes impossible to keep the ship upright and so I eat – or I make my flat a mess… or what ever other way I can externally subconsciously recreate my inner state.
That brings me onto friends – how then, can I expect friends to come along for that ride? I am in a constant state of fear that friends will go. This is not what they sign up for. They sign up for happy, playful me… not the me that is dramatic, inconsistent, ungrateful and sad…. But the catch 22 is that in thinking this way I don’t give the people I surround myself with the value and respect that they deserve.
In all of this is hope however. I am increasingly and increasingly less ‘shut down’ and perhaps that is why I am really ‘feeling’ again and it is painful. I have more self-awareness than ever but there needs to be more. I need to be able to understand myself. I want that. I can’t give up on that.