So….this just happened:
I feel so much like I am out of control at the moment and I feel like it’s not a choice and that I can’t help it.
This was NOT a treat that I am allowed every once in a while – this was a deliberate effort on my part to sabotage myself and it didn’t feel like a choice.
I was talking with my personal trainer about consistency. I am all or nothing, black or white. Whilst things with food are good I would never allow a pizza – not because I want to deny myself but because I can’t trust myself. I know, however, that if I can just make one change – 1 tiny thing done differently, then I could begin to lose a little each week.
I had a knock last week at uni. People see through my inability to be authentic there. There is no mask to be worn – you are stripped back and laid bare and that is not a comfortable place for me to be and i’ll admit it left me thinking “Why have I done this?”. I wasn’t going to blog about it but then I always say the purpose of this is to be completely real. No shame hidden inside me…
I keep making empty promises about how life is going to get better but the truth is that is not a gift I seem to be able to give myself at the moment.
Big love to all you people struggling like I am – perhaps there’s one huge life lesson I am going to learn from this – the lesson that is stopping me from helping myself, stopping me from making true and real connections, stopping me from existing properly in this life and stopping me from having a family of my own.