I needed the break from the blog. I was writing it for the wrong reasons but I am ready to start again.
I think I wanted to make people understand the depth of feelings I sometimes have. I wanted people to whole-heartedly ‘get’ where I am and what I am feeling and thinking. However I think I am beginning to realise that the only person who can do that for me is me… I began to get caught up in whether or not I was getting any feedback or people were ‘liking’ it… That doesn’t feel as though it matters now.
I am so quick to listen to the opinions of friends. Friends who genuinely have my interests at heart. The trouble I have though is, because of my lacking sense of a self I take their words as Gospel. I don’t take them, think about them and then decide whether I agree… I believe myself to be wrong and the opinions of others to be right.
Over the last couple of months since I last wrote I have dropped out of Uni. My weight has been increasing and I have really really lost a sense of who I am. I want people to understand my feelings yet it comes as such a surprise that I could be feeling so low people don’t know where to start when I try to convey the very depths of the emotions I sometimes feel. Sometimes I myself have to keep it locked – a safety thing.
I have spent a lot of time trying to describe how I am feeling in the vain hopes that someone may understand. I have to stop my head from thinking of it as justification for my feelings and I am aware of how lucky I am to have people around me who are doing everything they can to understand.
I was given a part time job by a dear friend of mine who I think was truly going out of her way to help me. I didn’t feel able to do it and I bailed. I feel bad about that – I feel awful – however it was the right decision for me at the time. I have no capacity for choosing the things out of my comfort zone at the moment … and I have to carry on knowing that was the right decision for me. It is so easy for me to think of myself as an awful person. Maybe it is about accepting that she will be cross – for a while and appreciating why… but also knowing it was the right decision for me…
I feel like I am so weak yet want to be seen as strong. I feel like I am finally listening to myself yet some people are telling me I am easily led. I have to listen to MY voice – no matter how quietly she is whispering at me at the moment. What is she telling me?
My pain is no less valid because of how I experience it or choose to vent it… everyone experiences pain in their own way…