Ashamed

Firstly, can I say I want this blog to come across as being inspired by people who are suffering more than me…

stand up

Last night, when I got in from Gospel I watched a program as part of the ‘Stand up to Cancer’ initiative. It was a program where Cancer patients had recorded their journey online and added it to Youtube. There was this one particular girl, Lucy Eades, who was from Brighton. She was only just beginning her journey into adulthood and was documenting her life as she was undertaking Chemotherapy for an aggressive brain tumor. She documented the messiness and ugliness of the Cancer as it took over her life and changed her life far out of her control – yet through it all she remained as positive as she possibly could have done. It left me wondering how a child of her age could have the emotional intelligence to stay so positive – she was strong. I say was – as unfortunately she lost her battle with the deadly disease. Lucy wanted to live but the decision was taken out of her hands.

shame

It left me feeling really ashamed. Ashamed that I have a choice. No matter how small that may feel in this, I do have a choice and I certainly had more of a choice about life than Lucy ever did. It left me spinning in circles. There is a dark park of myself that wants to use this as proof of what a weak, awful person I am – to moan about my situation when, at the moment, changing it is within my control. Then there is another side of me that is aware and hopeful that I have a choice about life. Maybe it is about clinging on to that tiny thread of hope and trust that I have the capacity to change my situation. If Lucy had have been given options, I know she would have chosen to live, yet here I am – 4 stone heavier than 6 months ago choosing slow suicide. Mental illness is difficult in that way because ultimately you have a choice. You have not suffered irreversible pain. Change is possible. But there lies the crux and the reason to berate yourself more.

I am ashamed.

Will that be enough to make me change things?

I really don’t know…

mental illness.jpg

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