Self-Hate

Self-hate is vile.  It makes you rely on others to affirm that you are an OK human – but when they are gone and you are alone, back it comes. It makes you feel like you are stuck in a constant catch 22 situation believing that you need to save other people from yourself but wanting their friendship… It makes you ruin friendship because ‘if only people knew what a horrible person you were’. It makes you sabotage the positive things until they are no longer there.  It makes you ugly. It makes you an outsider of the ‘just be positive’ movement. It makes you believe you do not deserve anything in this life. It makes you bitter and it makes you hate… It makes you moonlight as a happy-go-lucky, easy going person yet you scream inside, angry at everyone including yourself and when you are alone it comes out only stronger. It makes you back away from meaningful connection with anyone so you can only be loved for the mask you wear everyday – if people see that mask slip, they hate what they find…  It makes you a victim. It makes you ungrateful for what you have because you can’t see the good. Thus is forms a vicious cycle – you can hate for feeling ungrateful…. if someone has the answer for how you continue when that monster lives inside you, please feel free to let me know…

alone

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