The perfect conditions…

I feel like an awful human being. I am posting this to make sure it’s conscious. I need to fully engage in what I have done. Believe me my temptation is to retreat when I feel like this. It makes me feel sick to write about it… not because of who might read it but because the very nature of writing it down causes me to confront it.

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I have been given the perfect chance to be healthy this week. My Personal Trainer has gone on holiday and I am looking after her dog. I am living at her house and she has cooked all of my meals for me …every one and all my snacks. When I arrived at her house I cried at the amount of effort that had gone in to making it easy for me to be healthy. I cried because that showed love towards me and a belief in me that I don’t even hold for myself. No excuses. There are horrible things happening in the world and people losing their life – waking up each day healthy should be something I hold dear and feel an immense amount of gratitude for. I am selfish.

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When am I going to wake up and realise that my health, today, right now, matters? I have been gifted the perfect opportunity and I have disrespected it totally over the last couple of days. If I knew me right now, I would be pissed off. I don’t want this blog to seem self-piteous but right now? I’m pretty disgusted at my behaviour around food.

I swing from thinking that this is obviously an illness that I have little control over to thinking that is just a big fat excuse and I have to accept responsibility…

Sometimes this feels bigger than me….. like I just can’t do it. And everytime I throw it back in the faces of the people who help I am aware that I lose a little more self-respect.

Tonight I feel like I couldn’t be any more angry at me…

BUT! As you lovely lot often tell me. Tomorrow is a new day! Each new day is an opportunity for a new beginning. And we just can’t give up now, right?

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Confession Time…

So, things are not going well lately. It’s all I’ve been doing to keep my head above water. I have the most fantastic support network around me and such lovely friends… but unfortunately lately I have been letting them down…. letting them down to stay at home and ‘do my thing’.

The other thing I realise is that I can have the most supportive people around me, but if I am not my biggest supporter then I can forget feeling better….

I feel at a loss as to when, if ever, I’ll defeat this thing. It’s so illogical and just when I think I’ve cracked it I mess it up again…

I have not been helping myself lately… Yesterday I ate so much I thought I was going to have a heart attack and the only thing stopping me from phoning somebody was shame… I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I’m not sure even that is enough to stop me though.

I’m in chaos at the moment….

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I have to think about the ways to pull myself out – to get the motivation.

Xx

Today I woke up…. 

I’ve been in a dark place over the last couple of weeks… my head has anyway… I could feel it brewing for a while… 

I have been having therapy and it’s stirring up the muddy puddle…. I’m feeling things that would otherwise be lying dormant deep within my sub-conscious and all this emotional baggage is not something I am able to be comfortable with – food makes me feel better. 

 

So I binge and I binge and I numb and I numb until the emotion of what I have done hits me – it’s like I come back to life – like I woke up.

It’s like I suddenly realise there are 2 bags of healthy food I still haven’t unpacked from Sainsbury’s in my kitchen from 2 weeks ago…

Suddenly I can see the pile of washing up I need to do…

All of a sudden I have become aware of the fact I haven’t opened my fridge for 2 whole weeks and that’s not normal…

I become aware of the amount of money I’ve spent…

I am hit by the fact I have been desperately pushing people away….

All of a sudden I become aware of just how nasty I have been to me and how damaging that must have been. 

Last night I nearly didn’t go to choir but I did and I was struck by emotion. It was very special.

And this morning I feel no different. I feel shaky and wobbly. Everything I’ve denied for however long this huge binge has lasted suddenly hits…. I have a clarity of vision that wasn’t there – hope that wasn’t there – and a drive to do something that had gone… 

I became a victim to my situation… I’m not proud of that – but in it feels dramatic and awful… 

I don’t have the answers I’m just happy I’m out the other side…. ❤️❤️❤️

It’s more than just weight loss…

I sometimes berate myself for not ‘just being able to eat less’. At times like that I need reminding that weight loss for me is so loaded it means so much more that just a changing body shape. THAT is why it is hard to ‘just eat less’. My god I know there are so many positives and I honestly don’t believe I would be alive if I was another year down the line which scares me more than you can ever know.

Losing weight means:

  • Changing body shape
  • increased confidence
  • Saying goodbye to the vice
  • Letting down barriers that have kept me safe
  • Opening my mind up to possibilities
  • – Which means I have more chance of failure
  • Being strong, fit and healthy
  • Not using my weight as an excuse
  • Really feeling my emotions – becoming more emotional
  • Not having the ecstatic high of food
  • Not having the headaches, the illness, the depression
  • Thinking and dealing with the past
  • Feeling a void when I need something to ‘run to’
  • Asking my friends for help rather than using food
  • All of the above scare me! 😉

So as you can see, as much as I know weight loss and fitness is the best possible thing for me, my weight has served me well.

XxX

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Your physical space represents your emotional space…

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So it was therapy day yesterday and I breezed in, as I always do when things are going well, saying that everything was great. I have been exercising lots and it is really true about what that releases in you. I feel pretty good at the moment. My brain finds it hard to comprehend that it will ever go wrong.

My therapist asked about my flat. I had told her a few weeks ago how messy it was and she was interested in the mess. My flat was still a mess yesterday.

When I am feeling down, I need everything to be messy. My mind is messy and I seem to need to somehow ‘physically’ represent the inner turmoil. I become numb to the surrounding mess and just let it unfold – it’s like a piece of art that represents how my brain looks.

There is also something safe about the mess now that things are going well. Just as my weight does, mess provides a barrier, stopping people from getting too close, protecting me. While my flat is a mess I find myself saying “You can’t come to mine because it’s too messy – let’s go to a cafe and i’ll buy you a coffee” – or more often that not I go to theirs. I protect my space. Another catch 22 because i’d like to have people round more and i’d like my space to be peaceful and calm and not some chaotic dumping ground.

So this morning I got up early and tidied the mess (I kind of had to because some men are coming). Now I love my flat again and I feel good. Over the next few weeks I am going to invite my friends to my flat and see if I can break the habit.

Happy Thursday everyone. xxx

Let’s talk about addiction…

The Oxford English Dictionary defines addiction as:

“The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity.”

I am addicted to food. I don’t want to be but I am. I know it because I use it instead of ‘feeling’. Somewhere along the line I learnt not to feel. I am not just another person on a diet, food is my drug.

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I have been dealing with it by having a little of what I fancy here and there because ‘if you completely restrict yourself then you’ll just crave it more’. Would you say that to someone addicted to crack?

Maybe the answer is complete withdrawal from the drug (Chocolate,crisps, foods with sugar…etc! I wont stop eating!!!) that soothes me… because, like an alcoholic, I have no ‘off switch’. Maybe I have been approaching this as a ‘diet’ when maybe I need to approach my issues with food as ‘addiction’.

 

I have been chatting more with friends recently and they have helped me to realise that I numb. I numb who I am. If you asked some of my old friends to tell you who I am I don’t think they could tell you – and there is no blame there. I was happy in that exchange because while it was never about me it was safe.

The problem with changing is that I need it to be more about me now. I need value and respect. That is new and weird to me.

I am so lacking in awareness in so many parts of my life. I had no idea until talking to the people who really challenge me that I am so numb in relationships. My only rule used to be that if you like me, you’re a friend. I had no say. How strange not to have known this.

I read an article about Trauma the other day by Van der kolk and there were 2 quotes that really struck me:

“social support is not the same as merely being in the presence of others. The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart.”

“In The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (public library), he explores “the extreme disconnection from the body that so many people with histories of trauma experience”

I am not saying I have experienced some kind of awful trauma – but there are things that happen to us along the way that teach us a way of being. I was bullied mentally at secondary school. I hated every second and each day was hell – at a time in my life when I was making decisions about who I was as a person… it crippled me.

I am disconnected. I deal with it using my drug, my addiction – food.

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So I’m going to finish with a plea, if you are ever with me and I ‘choose’ to not eat chocolate or crisps, please never use the phrase “One wont hurt” “But it’s my birthday” “You can get back on it tomorrow”. Please respect me enough to know that one will absolutely hurt…

Love you all for your support. X

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Today I chose crisps…

Today I had a lovely day planned,

Today was I was supposed to be with people,

But today I chose crisps and enforced loneliness perfectly aware of what was to come.

I’m cross with myself and it feels heavy and dramatic.

Today was the Brighton Marathon – Inspirational, positive people running for inspirational selfless causes.

I feel self’ish’ and narcissistic…

I am training to be a play therapist and I feel the pressure to become OK…

I have stopped exercising and old thoughts and habits are creeping back and it’s suffocating.

BUT I am fully aware that I ‘chose’ today and today I chose crisps…

Binge Free Challenge Day 3

WHAT DO YOU DEFINE AS A BINGE?

I define a binge as:

  • Eating when I’m not really hungry
  • Eating when I’m overwhelmed
  • Feeling the version of Charlotte that loves to stuff food in rear her head seemingly having no control over her. 
  • Eating a lot of food in a designated time period – I will usually give myself a time that food has to be gone by…
  • Ritualistic 
  • Self-damaging behaviour – a lot of people often say to me ‘it’s OK – you’re allowed to have a treat occasionally’. I get why people say that and I appreciate people’s support – but those closest to me understand that there is a big difference between a treat had with friends and food eaten with the purpose to cause myself suffering… they are 2 different things
  • I am left feeling guilty/ashamed
  • I feel alone (I know I am not – by any means but shame keeps me from seeking support sometimes) 

Hmmm that was a tricky dicky one today…. weather has improved on holiday and I have the beginnings of a tan – hardly any internet connection though so thanks for your support guys – it means a lot! 

See you all soon! 😉😉😉

Binge Free Challenge Day 2

POST A RECENT PICTURE OF YOURSELF (DON’T BODY SHAME). NAME 2 THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF IN THIS PICTURE.

Ok – so this is a hard one… 

I like me in this picture because: 

  1. I am just coming to the end of a 5k Park Run and I’m still smiling
  2. I can see how much weight I’ve lost.

😳👊🏼👏🏼😳👍🏼

Binge Free Challenge Day One

http://fitbeforethin.weebly.com/50-day-binge-challenge.html

I am doing the Binge Free Challenge – I last did it 3 years ago to the day – but I’m going to try again! 

Today’s Question:

WHY ARE YOU DOING THE 50 DAY BINGE-FREE CHALLENGE? 

  • Binging ruins my life…. I get bogged down in the drama and psychology of it and I don’t ever leave my feelings for long enough to work out what is going on for me before cramming them down with food.
  • I have gone 30 days before and my life is better off without binging in it.
  • I feel for my friends. I cancel plans and am moody when I’ve had a binge – it must be hard for them to be around me like that
  • I want my life to have more consistency rather that being dependant on whether I have binged or not! 

So…. here we go! Wish me luck!!!! ❤️❤️❤️